Dear Pretend Readers:

One of the more eagle-eyed among you has noticed that, oftentimes, my advice to readers is to just try being a lesbian and see if that helps. S/he asks:

What kind of advice would you give to all the straight females that have decided to become lesbians after reading Dear Pretend Girlfriend? Where should one begin and how could one prevent making an ass out of oneself?

Pretend Readers, this is an excellent question and I am shocked I have not spoken on this subject before now. I estimate that, at the time of this posting, the DPG blog has succeeded in converting at least twelve thousand women to lesbianism, and perhaps even more men! But since this question is all about the ladies, why don’t I talk to them for now?

To all you fine women who have decided to give it a fair try, welcome! You have made the correct choice. Believe me when I say that, if you weren’t supposed to be a lesbian, then this little blog probably wouldn’t have had such a marked effect on you. It’s fate, pure and simple. You were meant for the wrong side of the sexual tracks.

Don’t worry, though! Lesbianism isn’t as tawdry and classless as 1950s escapist literature would have you believe. These days, it’s a perfectly respectable position, provided you have all the correct tools at your disposal.

First of all, you will need a copy of the North American Chapter of the International Commission on Lady-Loving for Ladies (6th edition), unless, of course, you live outside of the States or Canada, in which case you’ll need the manual that corresponds to your geographical location. Don’t be discouraged by the heft of this tome; no one actually reads the whole thing. It’s like any other holy text in that way. Just skim the first parts about blood-letting and the uniform and you should be ready to get started.

Secondly, you will need to come out to your loved ones. I would advocate saving this once in a lifetime opportunity to stop a dinner conversation for good until such times as it might be deployed to the best advantage. I, for example, waited for an intervention due to my acute alcoholism to let loose. Trust me, once everyone knows what sort of pornography you watch, the number of cocktails you have in the afternoons seems to fade into obscurity.

Thirdly, pornography. To be a Real and Actual Lesbian, you must start watching lesbian pornography for tips on how to please your partners. Take careful notice of the lesbians’ big hairstyles, acrylic nails, body hair maintenance, and tan lines. You should try your best to mimic them properly or else no one is going to take you seriously as a homosexual woman.

And finally, you must find a partner with whom to be a lesbian. That is to say, one cannot just SAY she’s a lesbian; she’s got to put her money where her mouth is, ante up, belly up to the bar, and other ways of saying lewd things in an accepted manner. Can someone be called a lumberjack if he’s never felled a tree? No, of course not. And before you cry foul, this applies to straight people as well. All virgins, until otherwise proven, are probably gay.

I hope that helps, you vast pools of Pretend Readers who are ready to take the plunge!