Dear Pretend Readers:

One of your ilk asks: “This isn’t a relationship question, but since you’re a New Yorker now, can you tell me what I should do on my upcoming NYC trip?”

Reader, you were correct not to trust The Google or some tawdry guidebook on this subject. As a one-year resident of New York, I now know everything there is to do in the city. (We call it the city.)

The first thing you need to do when you get to the city is get a map. This is so important! Without a map, you might get lost. And asking for directions is dangerous; you might get stabbed. So be smart and pick up a map that you must unfold to its handy 100 ft x 100 ft size. Don’t worry, no one will think less of you for being proactive and staring at a king-bed-sized piece of paper in the middle of the sidewalk!

Oh, that’s another thing: Please, please feel free to stop walking suddenly in the middle of the sidewalk. Or walk as slowly as you can. New York is chock full of sidewalks, and it would be a shame to not put them to good use, right? Also, it’s better than walking in the street; that might get you stabbed.

Now that you have a map and a way to get around town, you’ll need to go somewhere! Can I recommend Central Park? It’s got squirrels! Real live squirrels! Doing things! Trust me, you’ll want to bring your camera. After you’re finished taking photos of common animals, you’ll want to walk around (slowly, of course, like, at least half normal speed) and loudly proclaim the differences between New York and where ever you’re from. Feel free to point out local culture like homosexual couples holding hands, older couples with young children, and people dressed in crazy fashions. These are the things you’ve come to see! Be sure to give them to honor of some finger-pointing at the very least.

After the park, you should take the subway downtown to see the Statue of Liberty. Don’t forget to block the subway doors and hold them open at every station so you can poke your head out and read the plaque. How else will you know where you are? Once you get to the tip of Manhattan’s dick, you’ll be able to look out over the water to see Lady Liberty, splendid in the summer sunlight. Please declare that she looks bigger in movies and then walk away with a scoff. If you’re lucky, you might see someone get stabbed in Battery Park, so the trip down there won’t have been for nothing.

Now it’s time for Chinatown. Oh wow, you’re in for a treat. Real live Chinese food, served by ethnic people! You might say you want to try some serious Chinese cooking, but if the dead ducks in the windows make you cry, you’ll probably end up at the Popeye’s on Chrystie. An authentic experience! Be sure to buy some knock-off sunglasses while you’re there. Ahhhhh, culture.

Now quick, before it gets dark, you have to get pictures in front of every single landmark in New York. That means statues of people you don’t recognize, bridges you don’t know the names of, the Letterman facade, the Daily Show facade, the Colbert Report facade, Radio City’s facade, and pretty much every marble building facade that features columns. You can look up what the heck they are later when you get home. No worries! Now go to Times Square. NO IDEA what you should be doing there; most people just seem to clog the sidewalks and stare up a lot. Maybe you should give that a try? Take lots of pictures of advertisements and flashing lights. That’s something you won’t see at home, unless you visit a movie theatre or any other public space.

And finally, if you’re not tuckered out from taking the subway and unfolding your map, you should go to the Earth Room. Best kept secret in the city. It’s a room full of dirt! How crazy is that.

After that, it’ll probably be nighttime. You should get back to your place of lodging, I guess. I mean, after dark, New York’s kind of a shit town. Really doesn’t have much going on. Big bummer, actually. We’ve been working on it. I dunno, maybe someday we’ll have a roller rink or something.

I hope you enjoy your awesome stay in the Big Apple, Pretend Reader! If someone tries to stab you, you can name drop me and they’ll leave you alone. I got your back. Cheers!