Dear Pretend Readers:

Niina with two I’s asks: “I like this one girl and don’t really know if she is a lesbian or not. Are there any signs that would tell me if she is one, because I am too shy to ask.”

Listen carefully, Niina. I’m only going to type this once.

Here is a list of each and every sign that lesbians might give to say HEY I AM A LESBIAN.

1. She has her own TV show.

Most lesbians have their own popular television shows. While these shows are diverse, a good chunk of them are feel-good, sit-down, pretty-people-talking type shows. There may also be harmless, nonviolent running gags. Muppets often show up unexpectedly.

When Ellen (pictured above…not sure which one is which, though) came out as a lesbian, many people were shocked. Those people were dumb and did not realize that she had her own television show, and therefore was pretty much a certified lesbian from the moment she hit the airwaves.

2. She spells her name in lowercase.

Almost all lesbians spell their names without proper capitalization. kd lang (pictured above as a person, not the piece of furniture) is one example of this. The other most famous tiny-lettered lesbian is e.e. cummings.

3. She is married to the President of the United States.

All First Ladies are lesbians, with one or two notable exceptions. The reasons for this are clear: ain’t no breeder getting the New Deal pushed through. We are all eagerly anticipating Michelle Obama’s debut on the lesbian stage. I have personally bought 600 bottles of Binaca in preparation for the likely event.

4. Anyone who has ever met Virginia Woolf, however briefly.

In the same vein that some people believe that certain men can “turn women straight,” Virginia Woolf was the catalyst that could turn any woman gay. She was what we in the biz call a total pussy magnet. The list is extensive and hot: Vita Sackville-West, Violet Trufesis, and pretty much every woman in 1920s Britain.

The amazing thing about Woolf’s rampant lesbianism is that all who were affected by it were then able to pass it along to others. Some theorize that it is only a matter of time before Woolf’s incredible sexiness transforms all the world’s women into lesbians, with conservative estimates putting the final date somewhere around 2012.

5. She displays above-average athleticism.

It’s a sad fact of nature that heterosexual women don’t have much time to be awesome, what with all their non-adopted babies and straight relationship phone tag. Lesbians, on the other hand, are naturally cultivated to be better at everything, sports especially.

If you’re unsure whether a woman is good at sports or not, a good test is to throw a ball at her face as hard as you can. A true lesbian will catch it without a problem, much like Huck Finn catches the ball of yarn with his knees even in drag. A straight woman will suffer a broken nose. Foolproof.

I hope this helps you identify lesbians more easily, Pretend Readers!